I could only dodge this bullet for so long.  It’s time, once again to go to the dentist.  Yes, it’s that happy time we schedule twice a year to let us know that while we may be adults, we are incapable of taking care of our teeth properly.

I’ve know it was coming for a while but I didn’t really worry about it until a week before hand.  I gradually started preparing but the last few days, there has been some intensive activity and some late nights.  That’s right, I’m cramming for the dental exam.

I knew brushing wasn’t enough but…but…flossing SUCKS!  That wasn’t going to be a good enough explanation for the hygienist so it was time to hit the floss hard.  Twice a day, extra detail work, longer brush times, more mouthwash, less coffee…ok not less coffee.  Finally I’m down to the wire, exam in less than twelve hours.  I’d probably perform better with some sleep but instead I went with a brush-floss-water pic-2nd round of water pic-water-mouthwash routine.  My teeth feel like they’re about to fall out of my head which I will take as an indication of success.  I’m sure when I wake up in the morning I’ll have to peel my pillow off of my face like some sort of massive gauze pad.  Do they make Neosporin for gums?

The dentist is sure to be impressed with my extra-cleaned teeth but may be a little dismayed that it looks like I’ve been going at my gums with 60 grit sand paper.  Hey, something has to give.

I’ll tell you why, because there’s just too damn much stuff to do.  The problem is that I’m really tired so I basically don’t have the energy to do really important stuff, no, I basically just putter around looking up stupid crap on the internet.  Projects that I probably won’t see through for some time take precedent over mundane tasks that would be better accomplished immediately.  Oh, those boxes that need to move out of the hallway?  I can do that at any time so I’d better research this home improvement project that I have no intention of starting anytime soon.  The cleaning that needs to happen before we start getting holiday guests?  I’d better just investigate purchasing a new home theater set-up instead.

ARGH.

Seriously.

• Buying Presents – The internet was supposed to make this easier, right? NO. It has now presented us with an infinite number of options and feedback.  You can basically go through your gift recipients entire list of gift ideas and shoot them all down based on 2 bad ratings out of 1274 on Amazon.com; “That’s funny, cuz the thingy didn’t work right when I tried it and I threw it out and never tried again so I guess we’ll never know what was wrong with it.”
• Winter Weather – My relationship with winter weather is…well, did you ever see Fatal Attraction?  It’s like I want to take Winter’s bunny and put it in a pot of boiling water!  Wait…no that doesn’t make any sense if you’ve ACTUALLY seen Fatal Attraction.  I want to drown Winter in a bathtub.  Actually I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen Fatal Attraction.  How about this?  I like snow if it stays where it belongs (not on my driveway, sidewalk, vehicle or road) but there really isn’t anything else that I’m looking forward to from this weather.
• Cleaning/Straightening for the holidays – This is probably the worst offender right here. 90% of the year we are content to live in our ridiculous self induced locally produced episode of Hoarders.  The difference is that when the lights come on the people from Hoarders don’t scatter like cockroaches, they stare like deer.  Oh, first we try to convince ourselves that our friends and relatives understand and they don’t really care if it’s a mess.  Then at the last minute the cold bright light of reality shines on us and we realize that if we don’t take that pile of old nail clippings out of the closet and pour out the jars of urine, we’ll be carted off to crazy town…or at least stop getting invited to parties.

Well, off to bed.  I’m sure I’ll manage to ruin someone’s holiday by forgetting to do some dumb thing in time.

No, I mean, literally, this crap…I don’t have time for this crap.

Sometimes the holidays make you go crazy and you just want to murder people and it’s like,  “Hey, didn’t I used to like this time of year?”  I thought we were supposed to look forward to this and be having fun!?

Remember folks, the presents and all of that bullshit aren’t really what matters.  What matters is friends, family and spending time with loved ones.  Unless that’s the shit that’s driving you nuts, in which case stick to the commercialized garbage and focus on gifts, reindeer and shamrock shakes…or whatever flavor Christmas is.

In other news we have a recent increase in readership!  Now there were SIX new spam messages waiting for me in our inbox and TWO of them were in Hebrew!

Peace out fools.

No seriously, what is this?

http://www.gweenbrick.com/

It made my brain hurt a little…then I felt better.  Now I’m not sure.

Just in case I have so insane much to do with my super important Wednesday that I can’t post later, I am leaving you with this website I found.  You can use it to ponder the meaning of the universe or seal your suicide pact; whatever does it for you.

IT ESSS WWEEEEERRRRDDDD!!!!

That is all.

1. Look up what’s available at the Redbox
2. Realize that you’ve never heard of most of these movies
3. Pick the two that you recognize
4. Compare how many stars they were rated
5. Realize that two stars is a pretty risky proposition if you don’t watch movies that often…dammit, the trailer didn’t look too bad
6. Go through an extensive Google search comparing movies, actors, and whatever other ludicrous criteria you think will help
7. Look at those two movies again…they can’t be that bad
8. Rent them both just to hedge your bets
9. Spend two hours talking with your friends instead of watching the movies
10. Now everyone is fucking tired
11. Put the damn movie in or else I’m going to bed
12. Oh man…I’m not sure about this
13. Um…do you guys think the other movie would be any better?
14. Well, let’s just ride this one out
15. So…too late to switch now
16. Really? Everyone is sleeping?
17. Now I have to cram this other piece of crap movie in or I’ll have totally wasted $1

I guess basically what I’m saying is that whatever it is you’re doing, if you aren’t doing it the way I’d do it, it’s wrong.  That’s right, your way is the wrong way.  Are you trying to checkout in front me at the grocery store?  Well, of course you want to argue about the price of the red seedless grapes, pull out a book full of coupons and then pay with a check.  I’m pretty sure the right way would involve getting your shit done and getting the hell out of my way.  Are you trying to use the self checkout at Home Depot…to buy one pack of batteries…unsuccessfully?  The issue is obviously that you’re an incompetent boob incapable of grasping the basic concept of common technology.  Do you insist on putting slightly more garlic on your pizza than me? FOOL! THAT is TOO damn much GARLIC!!!

Gah! Why don’t people just do things the right way?!

I’m not saying that this happened today…I’m just saying that it happens an awful lot.

Hey, I’ll just play this game for a little while so I can relax! No big deal!  Except that then you find yourself trying to squeeze in shit you were supposed to be doing when you should really be in bed so you can get some sleep before your 6AM meeting.  SHIT.

Thanks for keeping me entertained friends, and fuck you for helping me screw myself out of much needed sleep.

I am writing this under duress.  Duress that I placed upon myself.  I publicly promised (sort of) to post M-W-F.  I am writing this while I’m supposed to be hanging out with my friend.  Wait a second…the friend that I’m hanging out with is ALSO supposed to be writing this blog.  My friend is a DICK!  This is called TWO fat losers, not ONE fat loser.  Hey, if you ever consider relying on your best friend to post to a blog you agreed to post to…just forget it.  If you consider relying on him to bring you a delicious Arby’s sandwich and curly fries since he’s going to Arby’s anyway…well that might actually work out.

My plan is to post something, anything until I establish a rhythm.  It will be like forcing inspiration through my old play-doh playmaker, squishing out whatever bizarre shape the plastic extrusion template of fate has prepared for me.

I started going through and scanning some old photos into a digital format so I can put some order to them.  It’s incredibly time consuming but it is funny how these memories that were so important at one point are dependent on the photos to jar them loose.  Even then sometimes I’m not certain if I’m actually remembering something or just manufacturing a memory to fit the photo.  In some cases the photos appear so abstract from my other memories; it’s as if instead of capturing an event the image were staged.

Sweet dreams.